me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier
sperm bank employee: what glass of milk
me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk
sperm bank employee: oh my god
sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
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Shrink: excuse me? We don’t prescribe that for children.
Me: No, I take the drug…. and my children stay alive.
I win all of my breakups by not getting fat.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
I need a 6 month vacation, twice a year
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
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8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.