@GlennyRodge
Just answered the door in my underpants. I said “Blimey, a talking door. What are you doing in my underpants?”
@AngryRaccoon2
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
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@GlennyRodge
@ShockTartBionic
Cheer up you won’t be single forever. One day you’ll die
@Reverend_Scott
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
@JD_Barney
According to my google history, I spent most of last night trying to buy a llama.
@daemonic3
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
@SCbchbum
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
@meghaffer
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
@dubsteppenwolf
every time someone says “don’t give homeless people money, they’ll spend it on drugs” it’s like… so will I though??
@SteveKoehler22
A surge of capital into the Canadian
marijuana industry has stocks soaring.Marijuana stock prices have now
reached a new …um …high.