@AngryRaccoon2

“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”

Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”

“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”

You Might Also Like

@captainkalvis

me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier

sperm bank employee: what glass of milk

me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk

sperm bank employee: oh my god

me: what

sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk

@not_delicate

Me: I need an Ativan prescription please, for my children’s health.

Shrink: excuse me? We don’t prescribe that for children.

Me: No, I take the drug…. and my children stay alive.

@Hadzilla

No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though

@bananagrvyrd

My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.

@WheelTod

Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.

@Lisabug74

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.