@captainkalvis me: thank you for that glass of milk earlier
sperm bank employee: what glass of milk
me: the glass of milk that was sitting on your desk
sperm bank employee: oh my god
me: what
sperm bank employee: you drank my glass of milk
@AngryRaccoon2 “Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
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@captainkalvis 
@not_delicate Me: I need an Ativan prescription please, for my children’s health.
Shrink: excuse me? We don’t prescribe that for children.
Me: No, I take the drug…. and my children stay alive.
@ChemBtwnUs I win all of my breakups by not getting fat.
@preritpathak Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
@Funny_Truth I need a 6 month vacation, twice a year
@Hadzilla No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
@bananagrvyrd My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
@madamezooble Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
@WheelTod Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
@Lisabug74 8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.