@AngryRaccoon2: "Mom! I made you a character in my video game!"
Me: "Cool! What am I doing?"
"You're angry. I made it just like real life."
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@Thynebear: [wife walks in on me showering] "Why are you wearing swim trunks?" No reason. [she glares at me] SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON'T COME OFF OKAY
@RealCarrotFacts: On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy - he was america's carrot
@markedly: *storms out of office bathroom* *slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss's desk* I CAN'T WORK LIKE THIS
@trayofcheese: I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
@internetluke: "Your under arrest!" No, YOU'RE under arrest *police looks around points to himself & mouths 'me'* Yeah you. *he tosses me cop car keys*
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