“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”

Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”

“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”

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Just answered the door in my underpants. I said “Blimey, a talking door. What are you doing in my underpants?”


BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?

NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-

INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know


According to my google history, I spent most of last night trying to buy a llama.


Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.


Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.


*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.


every time someone says “don’t give homeless people money, they’ll spend it on drugs” it’s like… so will I though??


A surge of capital into the Canadian
marijuana industry has stocks soaring.

Marijuana stock prices have now
reached a new …um …high.