“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
You Might Also Like
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
It’s October 8th and we’ve already purchased Halloween costumes for both kids. If they actually end up wearing them, I’m giving each of you a king size snickers.
Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.
Police say they have several leads
#Police
Is this you?
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me