“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
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Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Need this in my life lol
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.