“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”

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THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.


Do you think a gooses car horn is just a human saying “honk”?


Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.


INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?

ME: No I haven’t


Officer 1: I’ll handle this

*comes back with conspicuous gravy stain*

Officer 2: What was that?

Officer 1: Just a poutine traffic stop


You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.


“Oh you like this cake? (*Tosses cake out the window*) Oops.” – Game of Thrones


torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that


Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.