@ZackBornstein Every work meeting this week
@JKNenagh Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
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@ZackBornstein 
@garrydavenport One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
@WilliamAder To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
@TheTobbie My mind: “Today was a productive day.” My body: “Please don’t drink 11 cups of coffee again.”…
@mommajessiec Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
@roxiqt I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
@10InchesPlus Boxed wine: Because corkscrews are dangerous after the second bottle.
@JoleenDoreen A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
@Ristolable If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
@PhilJamesson me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]