Every work meeting this week
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
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One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
My mind: “Today was a productive day.” My body: “Please don’t drink 11 cups of coffee again.”…
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Boxed wine: Because corkscrews are dangerous after the second bottle.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.
FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]