Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?


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him: license and registration please
me: *hands them over*
him: *eats license and registration*
me: now wait a min-
him: *burps* insurance card please


Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.


CUSTOMER: id like buy a turtle, please
ME: ok
CUSTOMER: and make it quick
ME: *grabbing him by the collar* DO I LOOK LIKE GOD TO YOU


It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it


Her: We have rats!

Me: We do?

Her: Look something gnawed thru this package of cookies!

Me: (wipes crumbs from my mouth) I’ll buy traps.


Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.


I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though


My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?