@JKNenagh

Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?

Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?

#slapped

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@batkaren

BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks

ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake

BOSS: Getting easier

@MumInBits

Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate

Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand

H: I can’t eat chocolate

Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*

@omgshuddup

“Are you good and hard for me yet?”

– me boiling eggs

@TashyP_

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

@envydatropic

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.

@ArfMeasures

COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so

@AutumnSkye13

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

@Xalqee

My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox