Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
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Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
🤣😈🤣
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.