@SoVeryBritish “Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
@JKNenagh Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
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@SoVeryBritish 
@batkaren BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
@MumInBits Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
@omgshuddup “Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
@TashyP_ Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
@envydatropic I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
@ArfMeasures COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
@baeblacksheep Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
@AutumnSkye13 Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
@Xalqee My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox