@batkaren

“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”

You Might Also Like

@SaraThomas84

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

@glenyrd

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

@GoldenSpirals

Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.

Tempted to eat my own leg.

Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.

@lottie_fly_x

Me sharing with my toddler: ‘here honey have some of my cookie. In fact have it all’

My toddler sharing with me: *hands me one crumb then screams because she wants it back*

@MorganJ7

Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

@weinerdog4life

In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!

@JediGigi

Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye

Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped

@TheNardvark

Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.

@JustDontBugMe

When I found out that my neighbour is allergic to cats
I bought one
And I have never seen him since.