The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
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I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Me sharing with my toddler: ‘here honey have some of my cookie. In fact have it all’
My toddler sharing with me: *hands me one crumb then screams because she wants it back*
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.
When I found out that my neighbour is allergic to cats
I bought one
And I have never seen him since.