Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
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As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
(Electricians.)
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
#parenting
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.