@PaperWash

mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!

[20 years later]

mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother

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@david8hughes

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

@Benjamin4501

Just heard a Mexican guy sneeze with an American accent. Whoa, just whoa

@joejwest

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

@MoneypennyNaked

Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.

@3sunzzz

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

@tinytittays

Driving with me is like being trapped in a tiny karaoke bar that doesn’t serve booze and the worst singer won’t get off the stage.

@wendchymes

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

@CornOnTheGoblin

[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS

@NewDadNotes

[Wizard Starbucks]

Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron

Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!