@PaperWash

mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!

[20 years later]

mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother

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@RandomManik

If I were a millionaire, I’d probably sign up Angelina Jolie and Gwyneth Paltrow for a movie called, ‘Salt’ & ‘Pepper’.

@SamGrittner

Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.

@Marcmywords2

Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.

@frankzulla

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

@thedad

Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some

@BlackJerms

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

@HoldinCoffeeld

M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.