mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!

[20 years later]

mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother

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If I were a millionaire, I’d probably sign up Angelina Jolie and Gwyneth Paltrow for a movie called, ‘Salt’ & ‘Pepper’.


Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.


Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.


Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!


Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some


So what do you think?
New hair?

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men


M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.