mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
You Might Also Like
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.