Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
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[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
This is my brand.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
😎 🍻
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.