@ShortSleeveSuit

MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone

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@TheBoydP

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…

@VisionBored1

Me, age 30: *scrolling*

Me, age 37: *finally finds the recipe at the end*

@IAmMaggieMull

The idea that someone would be upset NOT to be invited to a wedding is so confusing to me.

@iamspacegirl

And Grandmother, what a big thighs you have!
*Wolf just starts crying*

@Elizabazinga

[House Hunters episode]

HUSBAND: I’m a Dorito artist

WIFE: And I restore used napkins part time

HUSBAND: And our budget is 1.2mil

@iluvyogacats

Me: *enters exam room
Doctor: Please take off your…
M: *unbuttons pants
D: ??
M: *pauses*
D: GLASSES!
D: I’M AN EYE DR DAMNIT!

@Bipartisanism

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

@jergarl

Me: I love you with my hole heart.

Wife: Wrong hole.

@DadInUtah

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

@ceejoyner

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.