MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
You Might Also Like
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.