@ShortSleeveSuit

MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone

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@LADaddy

Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.

@Reverend_Scott

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

@arcadeseals

son: brent from school is bullying me

me: ask your teacher for help

[school]

son: miss roberts, will you help me beat up brent

@KrangTNelson

stop saying “newspaper editors are only interested in content that causes a lot of uproar” when we all know that newspaper editors are only interested in pictures of spiderman

@infamousone96

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

@thenatewolf

*pretends to get electrocuted when I shake your dad’s hand for the first time*

@markleggett

Guess who’s watching Vin Diesel movies all day again? That’s right: Vin Diesel.