Me: I just need some time alone, please.
– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
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I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Someone just snap chatted me this lmao
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
anyone else like Italian cereal
I thought I had life all sorted out, and then the wind blew.