Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
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[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries