Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
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You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Ferrari squats
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?