It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
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“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
me: [lighting firework] this one is called “blooming flowers in summer”
kid: it sucks it does nothing
me: it smells nice tho
wife: did you just light my yankee candle
Being wrong is most effective when done loudly.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
me: [punching in at work]
boss: you know Chad is eventually going to press charges
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Lucky for them, they’re cute