[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
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It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
what kind of cook setting is this??
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.