[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in

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It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go


“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.


Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes


me: [lighting firework] this one is called “blooming flowers in summer”

kid: it sucks it does nothing

me: it smells nice tho

wife: did you just light my yankee candle


The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.


me: [punching in at work]

boss: you know Chad is eventually going to press charges