I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
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Every chef on Chopped’s like “I was medically dead for 3 yrs & my wife married the guy who pushed me off that bridge. My specialty is bao.”
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Me: “Pull the plug, Doc. Just pull the plug on him. He only wanted a good quality of life.”
Doctor: “Ma’am your husband has a sprain.”