MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

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When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.


Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.


LIAM NEESON: I have a peculiar set of skills.
ME: I think the line is ‘particular’.

*He rollerblades away juggling dogs*


Me: when I grow up I’m going to be an astronaut.

5 year old daughter: you’re already grown up. You’ll be dead soon.


Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.


Relationship status:

Negotiating with the dog
to lease space in his flat.


I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣


Hey Fun Fact:

Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work

This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:

Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!