MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
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DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
my professor scared me for a second
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us