MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
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Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.