Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
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My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.