wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
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As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Ancient Chinese proverb:
man who go to bed with itchy bottom, wake up with smelly finger.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Accountants have the toughest job in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.