Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
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Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.