Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.

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wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”


As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.


I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”


Ancient Chinese proverb:

man who go to bed with itchy bottom, wake up with smelly finger.


When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in


The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.


The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”


ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.

STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.


Accountants have the toughest job in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.