Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
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My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?