*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
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[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.