Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
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My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Going to church you guys need anything
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch