[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
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Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list