mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
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thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.