@stevevsninjas

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

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@Dawn_M_

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

@internetluke

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

@fro_vo

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

@1Happytwit

HR said I’m not allowed to try to hang co-workers with an extension cord. Dunno what I’m supposed to use though, they wouldn’t tell me.

@Darlainky

My husband is a keeper.

No, that’s not the word.

Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.

@mejustbeth

Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!

@Sickayduh

Accountant: Mr Cage, you are flat broke.

*flashback to applying for a loan wearing John Travolta’s face*

Nick Cage: I already handled it

@Humor_Fetish

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

@boring_as_heck

Damn girl, is your dad an astronaut? Because I’d like to meet him. Please let me meet your astronaut dad.

@AbbyHasIssues

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.