Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!

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* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.


[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce


Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.


“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.


If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.


I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?


BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!

ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!


I hate these services like Tinder and Grindr. I remember back when if you wanted to have sex, someone else had to make a huge mistake.


doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]


Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!