@stevevsninjas

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

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@MichaelTrying

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

@samdunsiger

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce

@LizHackett

Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.

@GlennyRodge

“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.

@Bob_Janke

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

@cali_cathy

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?

@AndrewNadeau0

BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!

ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!

@juliussharpe

I hate these services like Tinder and Grindr. I remember back when if you wanted to have sex, someone else had to make a huge mistake.

@KeetPotato

doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]

@AmishPornStar1

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!