MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
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WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.