Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
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I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet