Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
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Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though