Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
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Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
*walk up to woman breastfeeding baby* Is this guy bothering you?
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.