*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
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me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
#Caturday
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*