*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
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*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
I was bored.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people