@Brampersandon_

MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol

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@onume_

Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.

@LogicLaughs

“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”

Me: Sees Video

Me: Checks Internet

@Easy_Tiger__

If Kristen Stewart played the daughter in Taken, Liam Neeson would probably just let the bad guys have her.

@RadioShorty

So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!

@ch000ch

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

@addy_maybe

me: he died of natural causes

cop: you pushed him off the roof

me: gravity’s natural

@brownbear952

Try and tell me about your cleanse and I will whip out my pocket bacon and eat it right in front of you.

@Sirrruh

So he says, “Argh! Give me yer booties!” & he steals all the baby booties.

There’s an audience for Baby Blackbeard & I’LL FIND IT.

@psybermonkey

Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars

Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?

@imasmartass37

I caught someone stalking me so I stalked them right back.

It got awkward sitting in the same tree staring at each other.