Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
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“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
If Kristen Stewart played the daughter in Taken, Liam Neeson would probably just let the bad guys have her.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
me: he died of natural causes
cop: you pushed him off the roof
me: gravity’s natural
Try and tell me about your cleanse and I will whip out my pocket bacon and eat it right in front of you.
So he says, “Argh! Give me yer booties!” & he steals all the baby booties.
There’s an audience for Baby Blackbeard & I’LL FIND IT.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
I caught someone stalking me so I stalked them right back.
It got awkward sitting in the same tree staring at each other.