Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
You Might Also Like
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
It do be feeling this way.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-