Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
You Might Also Like
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
how long have you had this for?
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Is this a threat?
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it