MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
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This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Ghost costume 😂
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
A flock of dads is called a grill.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..