{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
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A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on