@theroneman

[mom sneaks up & scares son; ruins coloring]
Narrator: Does this happen to u? Then u need…
[cut to mom jumping on 1 foot & yelling]
Legos

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@DanMentos

*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*

@mommajessiec

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

@markedly

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

@ilovepie84

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

@Rachelnoise

My decorating style is calculated placement of sentimental things around the house, so after I die, my husband can’t get laid.

@SimplySnaccbar

Me: Would you like a sample?

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Handing out free samples.

Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!

Me: This is a weird Costco.

Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here

@causticbob

I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.

@nghtfltguy

Women do not want to hear what you think..nnThey want to hear what they think..nnIn a deeper voice……