Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
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who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Me too, bag. Me too….
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven