Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
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*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
By the volume of the pans clanging in the kitchen. I think I’m supposed to go volunteer to help with something
She: Don’t talk like that.
Me: With my thumbs?
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
30 seconds into Taylor Swifts new song I started hoping Kanye would interrupt her.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know