@JediGigi

Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?

Me: Define “someone”

Mom: You know, a boyfriend.

Me: Define “boyfriend”

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@ThugRaccoons

Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths

*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*

Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11

@DosieDoe

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

@jeffswarens

By the volume of the pans clanging in the kitchen. I think I’m supposed to go volunteer to help with something

@trouteyes

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

@HannahAntics

30 seconds into Taylor Swifts new song I started hoping Kanye would interrupt her.

@autocorrects

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

@Ygrene

Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know