Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?

Me: Define “someone”

Mom: You know, a boyfriend.

Me: Define “boyfriend”

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To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.


When your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like your brother in law Steve


Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health

Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower


“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.


Men love when you kiss their neck..
Just not when they’re driving

And you’re in the backseat.
And they don’t know you.


Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything


It’s so frustrating when your therapist tells you to go to your happy place then yells at you when you show up at her house


When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you’ll meet the man of your dreams.


Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.