@JediGigi

Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?

Me: Define “someone”

Mom: You know, a boyfriend.

Me: Define “boyfriend”

You Might Also Like

@bylinetd

To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.

@Gooooats

When your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like your brother in law Steve

@roxiqt

Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health

Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower

@PinkCamoTO

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.

@purplefuzzygirl

Men love when you kiss their neck..
Just not when they’re driving

And you’re in the backseat.
And they don’t know you.
Apparently.

@BatBatshitcrazy

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

@Sean_Burgundy_

It’s so frustrating when your therapist tells you to go to your happy place then yells at you when you show up at her house

@NervousJr

When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you’ll meet the man of your dreams.

@LostFelicia

Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.