Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
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Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
no one likes gloating
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.