@PoshTick

mom: so where did you two meet?

me: [afraid to say we met online] the concrete exercise yard of a maximum-security prison

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@arandomhim

What’s your name?
SIENNA
Where you from, Sienna?
MALIBU
Do you like sports?
GOLF
You’re just replying w car brands aren’t you?
FORD F-SERIES

@TrolleyCat

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

@DudeMass

Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

2020: Haha you have no idea.

@heatherlou_

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

@mistakentweets

Texting…because men didn’t have a hard enough time understanding women before so we had to take away the ability to convey tone.

@shawn_spree

If it wasn’t for the internet, I would think “12 Years A Slave” was a movie about a guy exaggerating about the first 3 weeks of marriage.

@Mr_Kapowski

Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you!

Me: I know. I was winning.

@simoncholland

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

@aotakeo

[himalayan monastery]

me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!

dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide

@kevnasto

I bet Jane didn’t know Tarzan swings both ways.