mom: so where did you two meet?

me: [afraid to say we met online] the concrete exercise yard of a maximum-security prison

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What’s your name?
Where you from, Sienna?
Do you like sports?
You’re just replying w car brands aren’t you?


I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.


Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

2020: Haha you have no idea.


I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.


Texting…because men didn’t have a hard enough time understanding women before so we had to take away the ability to convey tone.


If it wasn’t for the internet, I would think “12 Years A Slave” was a movie about a guy exaggerating about the first 3 weeks of marriage.


Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you!

Me: I know. I was winning.


I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.


[himalayan monastery]

me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!

dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide


I bet Jane didn’t know Tarzan swings both ways.