[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
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Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.