Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
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Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.