@TheCiscoKidder

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

You Might Also Like

@HRTSMRT

Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.

@susie_dent

Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.

@myonlymizztake

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

@Alex_N_Chains

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

@Ginlicker

Cops would catch more drunk drivers if they just stood outside with signs that say HONK IF YOU’RE WASTED!

@jonnysun

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

@iGreenGod

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

@pleatedjeans

A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW

@pmclellan

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.