Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

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Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.


Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.


Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor


Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.


Cops would catch more drunk drivers if they just stood outside with signs that say HONK IF YOU’RE WASTED!


dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave


My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.


A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW


So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.