Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
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[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Me irl
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean