MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
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If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
I have never heard an armadillo before.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.