@batkaren: Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”

@P1ssed_K1d: Woman at drive-thru just called me "honey." Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

@SardonicTart: Sometimes I'm scared I'll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I'm not so scared anymore.

@NrouteHQ: My wife left me for my best friend. Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.

@JennyJohnsonHi5: My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.