@AndyAsAdjective: My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I'm going to have to get rid of her. At least I'll have my cat to comfort me.

@UnFitz: [horse walks into a bar] Bartender: Why the long face? H: The world is spiraling down the crapper. BT: You're supposed to say- H: Just pour.

@VersaceCroccs:

@CantEven101: Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

@sunexplode: Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.