MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
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Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
huge if true: the moon
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.