MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
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In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I ate everything, including the H.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.