Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake