Mom: Take out the trash

*I take the trash on a lovely date*

Mom: Not what I meant

*I assassinate the trash in an ally*

Mom: Still wrong

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Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don’t realize how bad it is for their health…..until I’m choking them


ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.


“You know who else loved carbs? Hitler.” – excerpt from my book How To Diet Through Shame & Manipulation


I may not be book smart or street smart and I may not have much common sense and I’m really not sure where I was going with this.


[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.


KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week


I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective


I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito