Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
You Might Also Like
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Breaking news:
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
WTF IS THAT!
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute