@HatfieldAnne

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

@UnFitz

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”

@caperbc75

“Can I help you find something?”

I’m looking for the perfect diamond for my wife that says “sorry I cheated on you in your dream last nite”

@Book_Krazy

*Arrives at airport checkin*

Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!

-Ticket please

Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]

@Curly_gurl135

Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.

@notalogin

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

@degg

the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him

@Shimmersteak

“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”

“Different fathers?”

“Shark attack.”