Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
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[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
“Can I help you find something?”
I’m looking for the perfect diamond for my wife that says “sorry I cheated on you in your dream last nite”
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
My therapist cries “Why me?” for the full hour.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”