Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
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I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.