Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
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I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Rooting for the overdog
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.