Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
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In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Plant care tips
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.