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@LlamaInaTux

friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back

me: oh wow me too

[meanwhile]

Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7

@Amburglar_

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd

@_PerziaN_

Parents that tell u “it’s just a little noise” when their kid cries on a train are the same ones who knock on ur door when the music is loud

@Jennuflect

[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men

@djdarrellripley

Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.

Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?

Me: It depends on how they were raised…

@MrAlexisPereira

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

@E_lok44

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

@Halbeerz

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

@fro_vo

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

@Midlifecrisis18

Sex in your 40’s:

(Position change)

* CRRRACK *

Her: Was that me or you?

Me: Just go with it, we’ll assess injuries later.