Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED

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When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.


My friend told me his wife talks a lot in her sleep

“I know” was probably not the right answer


The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.


Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time


From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.


$1,000/hour for an escort? No thanks. I’ve been crossing the street by myself for free since I was 6.


If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.


My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.


Stephen Hawking calculates the properties of the universe from a wheelchair and I’m googling how to get paid without leaving my house