Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
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darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
the council will decide your fate
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”