@bornmiserable

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

- @bornmiserable

You Might Also Like

@mishakey

My kid’s teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.

@roxiqt

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

@smhluckyme

My neighbors are really strange and funny, you should see them.

Here, I’ll let you use my binoculars.

@nbadag

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

@Chimfxck_

*during sex*

Her: Call me names.

Me: *panicking* Lord Farquaad-

@CanadianBeave13

A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.

@HousewifeOfHell

I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.

@Spaziotwat

If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[restaurant]

BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]

DATE: Are you okay?

THE HULK: I’ve been better.