MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
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A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.