Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
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Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
I know this now 😂
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”