Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
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If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches